Wow it’s been awhile since my last post! I am sorry for neglecting you!

So, I find myself flipping through tv channels, and there are so many commercials for the new car. Or some new fast food item, or my eternally favorite (NOT!) clothing ads.

Again I am bombarded by all these unrealistic skinny people that are all smiling. Even the people on the antidepressant commercials are smiling! What the Hell?!
Have I fallen into some other dimension of eternally smiling people?

Now I know what you are thinking. Is this woman crazy? Is she really complaining about people smiling? YES! YES, I AM!

I have never celebrated going to buy pads or tampons. And have you bought a new car lately? It’s a pain in the ass! O! And if I am on antidepressants then I can guarantee I am not on them smiling. What is this society teaching us?

As long as you smile it’s all ok!
REALITY CHECK! Life isn’t all smiles and rainbows!

Real people with real problems get upset. Express that emotion!

And another thing. What is with all the frigging sex? I am no prude by any means. But come on! Let’s leave some things to the imagination. I never thought because of a commercial I would have to tell my very young kids about sex!

Then as I flip I come across the religious channels. I am watching this one guy. Huge church. Wearing Armani. A huge diamond ring. I am thinking… let’s hit up some of these televangelists for money. Or better yet take away their loop hole and tax their asses! Our country would come out of debt real fast. What is with these people? Using religion to get money. I don’t know what makes me more angry. That I am not doing this scheme myself or that they are making so many people fall for their shit? And the people that fall for this! All I want to do is stand up in the middle of those churches and point making sheep noises. So many followers, not enough true leaders.

And I am not just talking about religious leaders. I am talking about leaders in general. A true leader is about their followers. A true leader does not need to ask for a dime for their cause because a true leader would just get it. Being a true leader makes sacrifice. It takes so many things that none of our “leaders” possess.

What happened to chivalry? What happened to compassion? Are these becoming outdated qualities? I sure to hell hope not.

                                                  ~Waya~  

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***************I must warn everyone. This post is going to be dark and a little depressing. It isn’t a typical rant. It is just my thoughts on a certain topic.*******************
I am sitting here. It’s late. I cannot sleep. I keep thinking. Thinking of things that I am not in control of. Things that I like to think aren’t going to happen. But unfortunately they are. Whether they happen 10 days or 10 years from now, they will happen.

If you have been following me. I have told you all that I have severe health problems. My main two health concerns right now are cancer and lupus. I find myself pondering what if I lose this battle? This battle that really I have no control over. O sure I can listen to my doctor and take the medicines. I can look up all sorts of homeopathic cures and treatments. (Which I have. They really do help) Truly though, I have no control over disease.

I can’t cure cancer. I can’t cure lupus. Though in my heart of hearts I wish I could. I wish I could take it from everyone, not just myself.

So, what if? What if I die before I watch my kids grow up? What if I die and leave my husband alone?

Worse yet, what if my death is lingering? What if my death is painful to watch? I don’t think I could put my loved ones through that.

And then as my thoughts race. What would my last words be? Have you noticed no one has any truly epic last words lately?

What has happened? Does no one think on their last minutes? Or is it because I am facing my own mortality that I think on such things? And why last words?

I am not even sure I want to be remembered for my LAST words. I want to be remembered for words spoken in times of life, not when death is hanging. I want to be remembered laughing and loving to laugh. I want to be remembered fondly in those quiet moments.

To be remembered with a soft sigh and a chuckle, I think, is more important to me than some infamous last words.

To lead an epic life! That is what I want to be remembered for. That woman who always had a moment to enjoy life. That is what I hope people remember.

So here is to the death of last words! Don’t use those final moments to try and instill wisdom. Use those final breaths to tell your loved ones how much you love them. How much you will always love them.

Because honestly, I don’t live my life by last words. I live my life by moments. And those moments are what I cherish. That moment when the first ray of Sun hits the still sleeping earth. Or that moment when you wake up and the first face you see is that of your soul mate. That moment when you hold your child for the first time. Or that moment of pure joy when you see in front of you the answer to a hard descion. Live by  moments! Don’t give up. You will make it. If I can. You can.

                                        ~Waya~

                                

Have you ever seen or meet someone and wanted to automatically want to bash their head in?
Or wonder how they are alive?
I have so many times. And it seems to be getting worse.
The first kind of person. That person on your Facebook that posts every little thing. You know that person. “OOOO I took a shower just now. It was great.” Or even better “I went to the store today and bought apples, milk, and meat.” Who the fuck cares what you bought at the store!? Do you want a gold star our something? Or that person who posts that they are going to bed and they “check-in” at their bed. Really? I didn’t know that people went to bed in their actual BED! I thought they slept hanging from the ceiling, like a bat. Or are you trying to let every rapist out there know you are going to be asleep and vulnerable. Quit doing that shit! Which leads me to the next people on Facebook.
The stay at home moms with one kid that post all these things that they do with their one kid like hey look at me I am the best mom ever! When in your head you are saying. “YEA RIGHT! Woman I know you! You couldn’t handle another child. Try it with more than one. See how that works out for you.”
Then those same mom’s post how their child is being bratty and you laugh thinking that’s your fault lady.

O Facebook how I loathe and love thee!

This brings me to the next person that I want to kick in the face.

Those people who are shopping at the store and they are on their cell phone in line! O MY GOD! Hang it up! Pay for your items and get out!
O and the thing that gets me even more irritated at these people. They are in the self check out line! No you can’t carry on a conversation and check yourself out! Those stupid self check outs barely work when you are paying attention much less when you aren’t.
And for those of you that say you can multi-task, you can’t! So stop trying!

The grocery store brings me to the next person. That person who blocks the whole aisle for one little thing! Move your cart! Or better yet just MOVE! Other people would like to shop without hitting your road block! Next time I am going to accidentally ram you with my cart!

My next person to kick are all those people with music systems in their vehicle that shakes my vehicle at a stop light. Why in the name of all that is holy do you need your music up that loud? I have an idea. Pull your head out of your ass and you will be able to hear it!

And what is with these guys wearing their pants down around their ankles and holding their crotches? Do you think your dick is going to suddenly realize how much of a jackass you are and run away? If I were your dick I would run away. And what about your butt? No one wants to see that! Put it away! Your mom is the only one who thinks your butt is cute.

Doctors are next on my list. When a doctor tells you “This will only hurts for a second.” NEVER believe them! It never hurts for just a second. It always hurts to the point you want to scream! And for a second? A second? What world do you live in? A world where a second is really hours? I love the one when a doctor gives you all these odds and tells you what something could be and it freaks you totally out until your next appointment! The asshole!

Next, on my list. Those people in your phone that only contact you when they need something. Then when you delete their number and they text you or call you and you answer with who is this? And they get all offended like you should know. Pfft! I don’t want to know! That is why I deleted your number!

Brings me to my next set of idiots. Those that text and drive. STOP IT NOW! If you can’t check out at the grocery store and talk. You can’t handle a car and text. I swear I am going to make a sign I can hold up when I see people texting and driving. Honk and hold up the sign that reads. PAY ATTENTION TO THE ROAD ASSWIPE I ALMOST TOTALED YOUR CAR!

All these people I encountered today. They just made me mad! I wish we could round up those that lack the brain cells to function in decent society and kill them all or at least put them in one place so they won’t bother the rest of us.

End of my rant. I promise. I hope everyone has an easy rest of the week.

                                   ~Waya~

All my life I have been a survivor. I survived a parent who beat, broke, and gave me to the slaughter. I survived a family full of secrets and dishonesty. (Who hasn’t survived one of those, huh?)

I am writing this post right now with mixed emotions. I was going to tell you all that my mother put me through and through years of anger how forgiveness had set me free.
Then my mother called me this morning.
Now usually I am not to perturbed by her calls. But this morning was different. She was very, “O poor me. I hurt. I just want to die. No one loves me. Blah blah blah…”
Now mind you, I do feel sorry for my mother. She has no one anymore, but today, I had no sympathy for her.

My mother kept me sick as a child. I was always on medicines. Medicines that I wouldn’t have needed if she had just gone outside to smoke. I am majorly allergic to nicotine. My mother smoked 3 packs a day all inside our house. No airing out because her other mental illnesses kept her paranoid of open windows. It was a lose, lose situation for me. Because of all the medications and all the sickness I am paying for it today.

I have lupus, cancer, and thyroid problems. I am not saying all these things were caused by my mother. But her keeping me sick sure as hell doesn’t help the situation today because my immune system is just not strong enough to fight off anything on its own. Then you add lupus and its another lose, lose.

This is what pisses me off! I never complain about how I feel. I just deal! That woman never just deals. She never deals with anything! She just drowns everything out with pills and whatever else she gets her hands on. Then she wants to complain to me?! She really wants to complain to me!?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

So now I come to my point. If you know or even suspect a child is being abused, call! Because if a child is being abused and you witness it and do nothing. Then it makes you just as guilty as the person committing the abuse. Children are shaped by their parents. And so many don’t beat the odds.

Children deserve the world. They deserve to be children! So please don’t turn a blind eye to abuse.

I will close with this. Would you turn your back on your children if they were being hurt?

                                ~Waya~

Those in glass houses should not throw stones.
Or walk around naked during the day!

Why do people ask me if I want unsweet tea? Did you put the sweet in then take it out?!
NO! It is regular tea! Just tea!

If life hands you lemons… Wait! Who is this guy named life and why is he giving awayaway lemons?

Poop was never cute before I had a baby.

Sometimes I threaten to turn my kids into shoes. Don’t judge! You have thought it!

Even though I am a woman I still tell people to suck my balls!

Have you ever farted in an elevator and tried not to laugh so hard that your face turns purple? I have

No one is a virgin. Life screws its all. There is that guy life again. Damn you life.

Upon being asked if I was scared when diagnosed with cancer, I replied with “To death.”
No one thought it was funny but me.

I slip and fall a lot. But it’s not my fault. The floor is out to get me.

What came first, the chicken or the egg? Who the Hell cares! They both taste good fried!

I hate bras.

Not too fond of panties either.

I need sleep! Sleep? What is this thing you speak of!

I am a mom. I am sex maniac. I am a wife. I am me. No wonder I have off days. You see all those personalities?

I am not fat. I simply don’t drain after eating.

My love isn’t free. You gotta buy me bitch.

I think that is all the randomness for the day. Many blessings.

                                    ~Waya~

Little or big? What happened to healthy inbetween?
I look at these clothing ads that are LITERALLY everywhere and I think, “Huh, I will never look good in that because I don’t look like that.”
I catch myself then. NO ONE LOOKS LIKE THAT! The unblemished face, the stick like figure, the long legs… Come on ladies. It doesn’t matter if you are big or little you still have curves. We have hips. We have shape. We are highlights and lowlights. Our bodies are as different as fingerprints. I have stretch lines. I hate them most of the time but tonight I looked at them differently. The stretch lines on my tummy, those are badges of honour. I am a mom. I powered through 9 months of hell and csections. I EARNED these lines. They are beautiful. I look at myself now and I think. “Ahhhh! Where did those lines on my face suddenly come from!?!? No wait. When I smile those lines deepen. Those are smile lines. A sign that I love to laugh. A sign that smiling, for me, is better than wasting my time on a frown.
I look at all the imperfections of me in the mirror. I count them and equally despise and love them. I am different. DIFFERENT! I am me. This is me! Do I need to lose weight? Yes but I accept the fact that for the time being its out of my hands. So why is society still pushing this horribly unrealistic “woman” on us? Why is it when I open a magazine I see all these “beautiful” people in it but none of the men have less than a six-pack and the women all wear a size 2? These aren’t regular people! They want regular people to buy their products but don’t want to show regular people in an ad. Why?! And why are we as empowered women letting them do it?
We are the backbone of this society. We run major corporations now! We make medical discoveries. We go to space!
Yet we can’t get the world to drop the word “bitch” or stop the thought process that you have to be a size 2 to be beautiful. Not trying to ball bust our burn my bra. Let’s face it, I need a bra! But why have we come so far, but still need so much?
So little, big, little, big or some where in between find all those little imperfections and start loving them. I am trying. Try with me. I think you will be surprised on how much more positive everything else seems when you start looking at yourself more positively.

I have cancer. I was diagnosed last year. Went through chemo, will eventually have to have a hysterectomy. Woohoo no more period! 🙂
What people don’t tell you though is after the treatments and after all the meds, there are other consequences. My immune system is shot to Hell. I have no immune system. My body hurts all the time. And it’s easy for me to catch weird things. Case in point, this week has been horrible. I have a pocket of infection under my arm. It grew and grew. It now runs from my arm pit to my elbow. I was finally able to have it drained today. I almost screamed at the pain.
Cancer sucks! It takes away so much. More than anyone ever realises. It took time away from my sons. It took time from my husband. It weighed all of us down because no matter what doctors said, no matter the news, there is always that dark thought in the back of your head. That thought of death. That thought that you are really getting worse instead of better. You try to put on a smile for your kids but sometimes that smile just didn’t quite reach your eyes.
There were moments in my treatments that all I wanted to do was curl up and die. After throwing up for days and not having the strength to carry on. Watching my hair break and fall out. Hoping that tomorrow was going to be better.

Cancer sucks! I am so tired of being sick! So tired of being weak! I encourage if any of you know someone that is going through this or even just knows of someone, put together a care package. Offer to babysit, tidy up their house without making a big deal about it. Make a meal for the rest of the family. Do anything that would make it easier on that person or the family of that person. Because I can’t count how many times it was done for us. I was supremely grateful for it all. It helps through the journey.

So remember, CANCER SUCKS!

                                     ~Waya~